I sort of still feel that depleted feeling I did back in February this year. But overall, things are good.

I have been reunited with a past love - someone from 18 years ago! Yup, I'm old...well, not THAT old. This person lives 2300+ miles away from me - so we resort to IM'ing, a lot of txt messages, phone calls (we have the same cell phone carrier now so the calls are FREE), emails, and a visit when we can fit it in.

So far I visited him for a few days and then a month later he came to visit me. The last time I saw him was back in July. He's trying to get time off from work to come here later this month or early Oct. If that timeframe doesn't work, then maybe the end of Oct. thru early Nov. I'm not sure what is really going on. At times, I tend to want more - but am unable to receive more from him (especially since he is so far away). And when I want more, something happens and makes me push him away...sort of like a yo-yo thingie. And visa versa. Well, you would think at our age, we would know better. Evidentally not. At least we are communicating. One of our big problems 18 years ago was that we DID NOT know how to communicate. To be honest, we just plain ol' did not communicate. We hid behind our work, friends, anyone or anything else to avoid having to deal with the REAL problem. How sad.
He is recently divorced...and yes, I may be that rebound relationship. Uh-oh. His ex has kids that he has helped to raise for about 10 years or so - so they are like his own.
His ex did him wrong - and I do know for a fact that he played a part in their failing marriage too. But now, after all is said and done, they are trying to remain friends, for the kids sake. And that is really ok with me. Well, I thought it was until she asked to move back in with him (bringing the kids and such) because she was getting kicked out of her current home. Unreal.
I cannot believe some people - and I cannot believe him. He told her that he was going to check with me first before giving her an answer. When he told me about her request - I told him good luck and that the decision was all his.
But in the back of my head, I had a bunch of words reeling around (not nice ones either).
He reassured me that there were NO feelings (intimacy or otherwise) between them - and that if she did move back in, it would be for the kids, it would help him out - having another adult around and such to help around the house, help pay the bills, etc.
Also in the back of my head, I knew if he allowed her back under his roof (where she cheated on him, did drugs, and god knows what else), then I had to be done. There would no longer be an us. I mean, really, how could there be?! Why would he want to 'rescue' a woman that hurt him so badly? Why would he chose a bad girl over a good girl? Though he reminds me that he wouldn't do anything with her, whatever...and that's not my initial worry. I am sure that down the line, if the friendship blossomed (especially when living under the same roof again, the familiarity of things, the family atmosphere, and what not) maybe something could happen. He cannot guarantee that nothing would ever happen. Not really. He is a guy afterall! hee-hee-hee

So, does this make me jealous? I guess in a way it does. I'm jealous of an ex-hooker, druggie, non-independent/not self-sufficient person who evidentally doesn't share my morals or values in life.

What I do know I am jealous of is that he is there to help her and he isn't here to be with me. How can he be here and/or help me from 2300+ miles away? idk And have I asked for his help? Heck no.

Would I ever put myself in that place and would I do what his ex has gone and done? Definitely NO! Why do people always rely on others for practically everything? That, to me, is VERY scary.

I have always been very independent and self-sufficient (maybe too much for my own good). I have a pretty nice life - thankfully. I worked darn hard for it too.

What gets me is that she has family that is nearby who can help her (and they have offered), but she went running to her ex husband for help instead. My thinking would be to exhaust all avenues first and then, maybe go to the ex as a last resort...and I mean the very LAST resort.

After he and I talked about it and he asked me what I thought I told him both the pros and cons. And there were a lot more cons than the pros, that's for sure. And when doing so, he became defensive and kept trying to tell me all of the reasons why he would take her back under his roof. I eventually gave up and told him again that it was soley his decision, but as a friend, it was my responsibility to make sure he was thinking about everything...including how she made him feel and why they decided to end their marriage in the first place. Maybe it wasn't all that bad afterall...you know, I only heard one side of it. hee-hee-hee
Everytime she goes off to visit her now-boyfriend (he lives in a different state), my guy reacts in a not so healthy way...he gets annoyed and acts jealous. WOW! So before all of this new drama with the ex asking to move back in...we decided that he needed to take some time to heal those wounds that he has from his relationship with her. He would, casually, mention a phrase she would use, or something I did was similar to something she did...and I do NOT like that one bit. I have never even mentioned his name and my late husband in the same breath. I've never mentioned how he may do this or that and it being similar to what Michael did. Never ever - and I hope I never do. When he first slipped up and mentioned that I did something similar to what the ex did or I would get blamed for something similar that happened with him and his ex - I informed him that I wasn't his ex and that he shouldn't compare me. I have never cheated and I don't lie (well, maybe if it was something small and/or something that may hurt your overall well being/health at the time). I also do not do drugs or drink excessively. Yup, I'm a prude! hee-hee-hee

I keep thinking, this is great - a long distance relationship which enables me to have my life with my children. And then occasionally, him and I can visit and reconnect. And I keep telling myself, don't rush into anything - especially with him right now. He apparantly isn't really ready for a HEALTHY relationship with anyone. He keeps saying he is though - he's confused and is wishful thinking. How sad.

I could be wrong, but that's what my gut is telling me. And my gut isn't wrong too many times. Then I tell myself, I could just play and have some fun. But it's not any fun when there's an ex doing her thing and other negative stuff happens. Most relationships should be fun (mosttimes). And lately, ours has not been.

Do I need a man? Hell no. Would I like a healthy relationship with a man? Hell yes. What's stopping me? Good question.

I know this post wasn't pretty. If you have any advice (sound or otherwise) or would just like to say hi...please feel free to share!

Thanks!

Please note: My resources and energy are depleted and I no longer can support this n that. I have friends who sell Avon, Tupperware, jewelry, stamping supplies, their kids sell girl scout cookies, cookies and wrapping paper stuff from school, etc.....and I've always felt like I should support them by making purchases and hosting parties. NO MORE.

Not that I believe they owe me anything - but when I'm involved in something and require support, I receive NONE. Why do people think I can do it ALL by myself ALL of the time? Am I giving off that vibe? How do I stop giving off that vibe?

These people are not only friends but close family members too. They seem to always expect something from me. I cannot figure out why. I am so tired of feeling obligated to do things for others.

Ok, stepping down from the milk crate {next}

Uh-oh, lately I've been having this little big feeling of 'what about me.' How sad and depressing. It seems as though my time is allotted for everyone else. Maybe it's because I haven't had any adult time or any 'away' time in a long - long time. My last break was back in June 2006. I haven't had my hair cut/my toes done/a massage/a fun shopping trip/seen an 'R' rated movie/the list goes on.
I know - it's ALL my FAULT. I need to relearn on how to schedule my time again and make sure that I make time for me AGAIN. I'm not sure how or why I'm not scheduling things for me anymore. Maybe it's a sign of depression - maybe it's a sign of laziness - maybe I was a slave in a past live and am just used to this kind of lifestyle - Makes me wonder sometimes.

I know, I shouldn't complain and feel this way - there are people that NEVER/EVER get any breaks. Yuppers, there are people out there worse off than I. Does that make me feel better? No, not really. It makes me sad - I believe we ALL should be able to have a break from our families/work/school/responsibilities/life in general from time to time. Now, I know of people who are always taking a break - and that's not right either. There must be some kind of balance - because then you won't (or I won't) experience burn-out. Burnout is not fun - not for you/for I or for anyone else in our lives.

Ok, time to tackle my calendar and start scheduling some me time- wish me luck!

I just read that the New York area may have broken their old snowfall record (in Jan 2002 - of 10 feet)...as of right now, forecsts say that over 11 feet of snow has fallen in the NY area...wow! We've had some snow flurries over the last couple of days - but nothing like 11 feet - not even 11 inches. Oh well.

Our poor skiers aren't complaining right now - they are just so happy to see the snow fall. As of yesterday, it stopped. And no more is expected to fall throughout this next week. Oh, by the way, I'm in Northern Nevada.

I'm going to have to learn how to add graphics on my blog page. Maybe someone out there can teach me - or at the least, refresh my memory. Thanks in advance for your assistance with this.

or however that saying is.

So, it is finally raining here and is snowing up around 7000 feet. I'm at around 6000 feet. I don't know about your weathermen, but ours are 'mosttimes' WRONG. Like last night, they (meaning the meteorologists on three different local channels) predicted that we may get a little bit of rain - mostly in the late evening thru early morning - clearing by mid-day today. And to not worry about flooding (flooding was mentioned because they received phone calls from people inquiring about the possibility of flooding) - because not only will we get very little rain, but the ground is so dry it'll soak it all up.

Guess what - they were wrong. We've had rain (sometimes heavy rain) all day long - with no clearing. In fact, the city has announced that sand bags are available 'for free' to those that want to come and get 'em.

I wonder if people can sue them for any damage done to property if it does indeed flood after being told it wasn't going to rain that much to flood...to ease those that were worry about flooding. Make any sense?

Wouldn't it be great to have a job like that where you could be wrong a lot and still be employed and get paid?!?!

Life's so NOT fair.